Azumanga Python's Flying Pigtails
by Osakaism
Summary: Start off your weekend with Monty Python, Azumanga Daioh style! updates every Friday through Sunday
1. Dead Cat Sketch

**Well, I got this idea from lukevader. "Azumanga Python's Flying Pigtails" **

**So here it is the first on of the 'lot and this will be updated every Friday—Sunday.**

**Also…I don't own Azumanga Daioh or Monty Python.**

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**Dead cat sketch**

Today was the first day Sakaki had started her dream job. She was working at a pet shop. She was cleaning up the counter, getting ready to go to lunch, when suddenly Tomo burst through the door. She was holding a cage.

"Hello, Tomo…um I'm sorry but my lunch break just started…uhh, but my manager can help you." Sakaki said.

"Whatever…" Tomo said grouchily. Sakaki went out the front door and Kagura appeared from behind the counter.

"Yo, may I help you?" She asked.

"Ah yes, I wish to register a complaint." Tomo replied.

"What is the problem?"

"I wish to complain about this cat that I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique." Tomo said, showing the cage she was holding. Inside the cage was a cat lying on its side.

"Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Forest Cat ...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong with it…" Tomo said in an angry tone, "It is DEAD! _That's _what's wrong with it!"

Kagura blinked. If she was caught doing this again she was going to be fired. "No, no…it's um...Uh…resting! Yeah…resting…" She said.

Tomo raised an eyebrow, "Resting?! Look, I know a dead cat when I see one and I'm looking at one right now!"

"No, no, no, he isn't dead! He is just resting! Beautiful cat, the Norwegian Forest, nice soft fur, eh!?"

Tomo gave Kagura an annoyed look, "Nice fur? Nice Fur?! Who cares?! IT IS STONE DEAD!"

"He's just resting…"

"Alright, if he _is_ resting, then I'll wake him up!"

Tomo raised the cage to eye level and shouted, "HELLO?!? Mr. Kitty?! Wake up! Wake up! I've got a nice fishy for you when you wake up!!!"

Kagura quickly hit the cage, "There, he moved."

Tomo glared at Kagura, "No, he didn't…you hit the cage…"

"Why I'd never!" Kagura countered.

Tomo just shook her head. She took the cat out of the cage and yelled into his ear, "KITTY!!! Wake up kitty! WAKE UP!!!"

She then banged the cat on the counter and yelled again, "KITTY!!! Kitty Cat wake up!!!" and she threw it on the floor.

"Now that's what I call a dead cat" Tomo said.

"No, no, he's just stunned." Kagura replied.

"STUNNED?!"

"Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Forests stun easily, major."

Tomo sighed, "Um...now look...now look, friend, I've definitely had enough of this. That cat is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not a half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired after playing with a yarn ball."

Kagura thought for a moment, "Um…He is just…uh…just…depressed! Yeah! He probably misses his mom!"

"Depressed?! What kind of talk is that? Tell me, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him home?"

"Um… those type of cats like being on their backs! Remarkable cat, eh? Nice soft fur!"

Tomo was getting very frustrated, "Look, I took the liberty of examining that cat when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting up straight in the first place was that it had been NAILED there."

Kagura blinked, "Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed him down, he would have run off! Vroom!"

"Vroom?! Kagura, this cat wouldn't 'vroom' anywhere if you put four million volts through him!!! HE IS DEAD!!!"

"Um…no, he is just depressed!"

Tomo was just about to snap.

"He is not depressed! He has passed on! This cat is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He is a stiff! He is a late cat! He doesn't rests in life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the cage, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He is now history! He's off the twig! THIS IS AN EX-CAT!!!!" She shouted.

Kagura sighed, "Alright, I'll tell you what, I'll replace your cat."

Tomo got the new cat and left.

Kagura sighed again, "Now what to do with this?"

**The End.**

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**In case you didn't know, this sketch is based on the Dead Parrot one **


	2. Peppers

**This one is based on the "spam" sketch.**

**Peppers**

Osaka and Yomi entered the restaurant from the roof and sat down at a table. It was a small place, with a lot of Vikings.

"Morning." Tomo, from the counter, said.

"Morning." Yomi and Osaka replied.

"So, what's on menu today, Tomo?" Yomi asked.

"Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and peppers; egg bacon and peppers; egg bacon sausage and peppers; peppers bacon sausage and peppers; peppers egg peppers peppers bacon and peppers; peppers sausage peppers peppers bacon peppers tomato and peppers or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and peppers."

Osaka thought for a moment and asked, "Do you have anything without peppers?"

"Well, there's peppers egg sausage and peppers, that's not got much peppers in it." Tomo answered.

"But, I don't want _any _peppers!"

Yomi suggested, "Why don't you have egg bacon peppers and sausage?"

"That's got peppers in it!" Osaka yelled.

"But doesn't have as many peppers as peppers egg sausage and peppers." Yomi said, calmly.

Osaka sighed, "Can I have the egg bacon peppers and sausage without the peppers, then?"

"Ew." Tomo said.

"Whet do you mean 'ew'?! I DON'T LIKE PEPPERS!!!!" Osaka shouted.

The Vikings started to sing a song about peppers.

"Shut up!" Tomo yelled, banging a wooden spoon on the counter, "Shut up! Shut up!"

They stop singing.

Tomo sighed, "Listen, you can't have egg bacon peppers and sausage without the peppers."

"Why not?" Osaka asked.

"Well it wouldn't be egg bacon peppers and sausage, would it?"

"I DON'T LIKE PEPPERS!!!" Osaka cried.

Yomi patted Osaka on the back and said, "Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your peppers. I love it. I'm having peppers peppers peppers peppers peppers peppers peppers beaked beans peppers peppers peppers and peppers!"

The Vikings start to sing again. Tomo yells at them and says to Yomi, "no more beaked beans."

"Oh…well can I have peppers instead?"

"You mean peppers peppers peppers peppers peppers peppers peppers-"

Tomo's voice got drowned out by the Vikings singing about peppers.

**The end.**


	3. The Numbnuts

**This is based on the Spanish Inquision sketch and another sketch that I have no idea the name is**

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**The Numbnuts**

Yomi and Chiyo were sitting, comparing their test results.

"Oh, man…I can't believe I got this one wrong! I forgot the 'T'!" Chiyo said.

Yomi chuckled, "Wow, Chiyo, I didn't expect such numbnutty-ness from you."

Chiyo giggled. Suddenly, Tomo, Kagura and Osaka came in and Tomo shouted, "No one Expects the Numbnuts!"

"What?" Yomi and Chiyo asked, in unison.

Kagura waved her arm and said, "Our Chief weapon is surprise…and fear….um two thing! Our Chief weapons are surprise, fear and stupidity…umm wait…uh no…Three things! Our Chief weapons are…oh damn, can we do this again?"

The Numbnuts disappeared and Yomi sighed, "That was unexpecting…"

The Numbnuts appear again and Osaka yells, "No one expects the Numbnuts! Our Chief weapons are…." Osaka gave everyone a blank stare.

Tomo poked Osaka and whispered, "Our chief weapons are surprise, fear and stupidity."

"Oh, yeah…what she said…" Osaka mumbled. Osaka stared to space out.

Tomo sighed, "No, no this will not do…"

The numbnuts disappear.

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Kaorin looked at her cell phone, it was squished. She had accidentally sat on it. She sighed, "What a numbnutty thing to do…"

"No one expects the Numbnuts!!!!" Tomo shouted. There was a pause.

"Wait…never mind…" The Numbnuts disappear.

Kaorin blinked.

She went to a payphone and called the phone replacement place.

She talked to man from the other end.

"Yes…yes…yes…yes…yes…yes…no….yes…yes…no, um that happened later…yes…yes…no…that's a really personal question! ...um...let me check"

Kaorin looked at her shoes and told the man, "Um…around size 12? ...yes…yes…thank you" and she hung up.

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Chiyo was sitting in her room when the phone rang.

She picked it up, "Hello? …yes….yes…yes…yes…yes…yes…no…yes…yes…yes…um let me check." Chiyo went over to look at her shoes and then she went back to the phone, "size 10 I think…um no, yes….yes…yes…ok I'll tell him."

Chiyo put the phone down and called out, "Dad its for you!"

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**I guess on the shoe sizes…I have no idea what shoe sizes are and I'm not sure if there is a phone replacement place…**


End file.
